BEAUTY BLOG ATTEMPT?

I am obsessed (like many other female online folk) with watching beauty and fashions videos on youtube and reading about opinions and advice on blogs. I find the whole process of watching each person going through their established routines, and applying make up quite fascinating. It seems odd to think that watching something like a "Get Ready With Me" video is so intriguing, and gains so many viewers, and yet, they are.

The above picture also contributes to a study done that talks about how youtube has changed the way the beauty market is being seen. Not that I know much about this, but it seems that the way in which this trend is going, is a true sign of the times, where everyday people can make money doing things they truly love, with the resources that are available in this day and age. I find this incredibly intriguing.

Beauty and fashion are things that I wish to be good at, but I just haven't grown up with a sense of my own personal style. I suppose I haven't actively made beauty or fashion a priority in my life. And after having children, working and studying, things like beauty and fashion get pushed far down  the priority scale, perhaps not by choice, but mainly because time can be of the essence when raising children, and once both your children are sleeping, the natural inclination is to sleep yourself, since you're knackered pretty much all the time.

I suppose a goal of mine this year is to actively try and make these things a priority in my life, not in a selfish way, but as a chance to have something for myself away from all the other priorities in my life. Many people say that it is important to have something for yourself, and I can agree because it gives you more drive to get through each day, even with screaming children in your ear.

Speaking of screaming children, my time is up, as I can hear one going for it in the other room.

Nā Keriata

THE EXTREMITIES

This latest post comes rather delayed and perhaps not so fulfilling as it would've been had I created and posted this as it happened, however...

PART ONE - TRIP

My absence from blogger was due to a number of things all to do with family and children. I decided to take my 4yo son and my 8week old daughter (at the time) on a trip back up the line (Welly-AKL and HAM). For my son, this was one of many times flying on the plane and going on a trip away with me. This would be the first time my daughter had ever traveled. I decided (for some unknown reason) to do this trip without my other half with us. In hindsight, this decision was probably the first of many bad decisions about this trip. The main reason for the trip was to visit my family in those parts as I hadn't seen them over the summer break (and this has become somewhat of a tradition for me), and so that the family could meet my new baby girl. We usually have a very good time, and my son in the past has been great and generally enjoys the time away. This time, because of a new addition, my son was VERY clingy, wanted attention all the time and wouldn't, for the life of him listen to me, or anyone else. It was a real eye opener for me and hit me like a huge shock. Thankfully during the trip, my daughter was very good, slept well, wasn't upset with new people wanting to hold her and was incredibly easy to manage on the scale of things. My son just had the incredible urge to change and act in a manner that surprised me once we were away from his father. I admittedly had a difficult time managing the two children on my own away from my fiancee. Fortunately, I had some help from family while being away and would go out of there way to help me out when they could.

I don't want this to be a huge whinge fest, because in the end, I'm thankful we went away. The biggest thing I got from this trip were huge lessons about children and family and how important it is to be with them. My son proved to me that being out of routine, and lack of preparedness can prove difficult for not just yourself but also for your children, who don't want anything but to spend time with you. This time around it was also hard for him because we were traveling with his sister and so the attention couldn't be purely on him when he needed it. Even though I was glad to get back on the plane back to Wellington to see my other half, it was also bittersweet because while I was away it allowed me to see what I miss about being with my family and being back home where I grew up.

The moral is - try and remember your intentions when you're down in the dumps and having a hard time. My intentions were to see family and enjoy their company and I feel like I did that. It was even more down to earth with having both my children there. I am so thankful for my son because he radiates life. He is outgoing and honest and emotional and most of all, loving. I wouldn't have him any other way.

PART TWO - DISCOMFORT

The second reason due to my absence was because my daughter became ill and hence we had to spend 7 days in hospital from the day immediately after we arrived home. This is the longest I've ever had to stay in hospital. I don't want to elaborate to much on this situation, but lets just say that it is incredibly soul-destroying being in that place. I am extremely fortunate to have a very strong baby girl. She got well quite quick, and so a lot of the time spent was waiting around however they didn't want to take any chances since she was so young and hence the reason why we were there for so long. I do not want to be in that place again anytime soon, and certainly not for any of my children. It was an uncomfortable experience and am incredibly thankful that it wasn't anything worse and everything was treatable.

After the trip and the stint in hospital there was a total of 16 days, just over 2 weeks of being away from home and so I couldn't have been happier to see my bed and just be with my man. These two experiences make me appreciate my children so much more and being a mother so much more. Never have I been more challenged then what we went through in these two weeks or so. It was hard and difficult and draining but it makes life so much more fulfilling. I am so thankful.

Nā Keriata

CONFESSIONS OF A PEOPLE PLEASER

Something that I admit to being - a people pleaser. On the outset, the term itself seems non-threatening and rather uncontroversial. However, those who know this feeling of being a full on people pleaser, know the issues that we face. Don't get me wrong there are real benefits to being a people pleaser - we do not fight for no reason, positivity is our best friend, and making others feel good about themselves is a trait that should never be overlooked, and we people pleasers know how to do this in spades. The issues we face are often within ourselves, and the conflict we choose to avoid in public with other people, we deal with inside ourselves instead. It is often the case that I can mope around and feel sorry for myself. Upon reflection of the reason why, it is often the case that I do not know why I am mopeing around feeling sorry for myself. It is something I battle with a lot because I think there is nothing more unattractive then someone feeling sorry for themselves, and hence, wanting others around them to feel sorry for them also. A state they had put themselves in, in the first place. 

The need to please others who may be in a position in your mind that you must please them, is an unhealthy need. I think I often get mixed up with pleasing others and having manners. The line gets blurred between the two where you use your manners so much to the point, where you are sacrificing your own dignity just to please people. I wish I knew how to fix this part of me. The other reason why it is unhealthy is because the feelings of sacrifice get the better of you and then it gets taken out on the people closest to you. If there were any things that I could take back in my life it would be hurtful words that may have come out of mouth at my most weakest moments. The lack of confidence to address conflict in life is also something that holds us people pleasers back from resolution. From personal experience, I get so terrified of resolving conflict that I would rather sweep it under the rug. I even find it difficult to write this without getting teary. It seems stupid to think this. A people pleaser and emotional. This combination is a killer and it can rip us up inside. 

I for one, want to find hope. Hope that there is a silver lining. I think my hope takes form in the fact that there are much worse ways to be. Perhaps the challenge is to harness that trait and utilise it to further ourselves. People pleasing can take shape in something much larger and greater and has the ability to do real good. We just need to step out of the rut and work hard to not let those feelings get the best of us.

Nā Keriata

MUSIC AT ODDS

I feel at odds when it comes to music. One of my largest achievements so far in my life is gaining a Bachelor of Music (and soon with Honours) and yet I still feel like there is so much more for me to learn. I constantly get questioned as to what I would do with a music degree and what kind of career path that would lead me too. When I meet someone for the first time and they ask me what I studied, I tell them music, which often then leads to a somewhat confused glance and then the question, "what instrument do you play?" follows. I play a little bit of piano, guitar and I sing, but I don't actually play any of those things particularly well. So I then have to explain that my major was in instrumental/vocal composition (the writing of the music), but then I tend to confuse others even more by saying that my major changed in my honours year to music studies. Whatever that is. 

I have a deep love for music. I love the way it makes me feel. Finding meaning to that has been difficult. I knew from school that it was what I wanted to study, however I didn't know how that would look 5 years later. Prior to going to university I was so naive to think that I had my life sorted for the following years it would take me to do my degree. Never had I thought that at 24 I would have two children, be engaged and have an honours degree in music. Throughout my degree I must say I learned a lot. I was challenged, intrigued, entertained, nervous, worried, excited and overall educated in the space of instrumental/vocal composition. However, I couldn't help but feel once I got to the  end of the degree that I hadn't learned about the music that I was interested in or would give more meaning for me. That may seem a little selfish, but it didn't give me much direction in where I would want to go next in the space of music. I felt a natural connection when I realised that the music I should be studying and researching is Māori music. This thought may seem obvious, but I had a preconceived notion in my mind prior to starting university that I had to learn and hence, write and create music and content that we were taught in class. Never did I think that Māori music could exist in the realms of a serious musical institute. However, this also showed my naivety and real lack of knowledge earlier on, because once I changed my major to music studies in my honours year, I realised that this was where I could engage in music that I love and is significant to me.

Music in my personal life has always been a relationship where I listen to music I enjoy. It seems that the two spaces between music for study and music for pleasure don't necessarily seem to intersect in my world, which is surprising for an overall music lover like me. I'm not sure if this post is significant or makes sense to anyone else but myself, however at the end of the day, I have learned (and perhaps the idea has been reinstated in me) that we must do what we love in order to be fulfilled. At times it can be shaky and you may even get to the point where you want to give up, but it does seem to work out in the end. Career wise, music has lead me to interesting places (like working for the only Māori arts organisation in NZ at this point) and as I get older I wish to continue to have meaningful encounters and experiences.

Nā Keriata

SLEEP DEPRIVATION

Something that all mothers can attest to - lack of sleep. I figured I'd start off by saying that I am deep in the throws of being deprived of sleep since we have an almost 6 week old. This being said, sleep deprivation is not effecting me as it did the first time around and I wonder if this is the case for other second time mums. Yes it can still be difficult to get up in the wee hours of the morning for that early morning feed, I am still human, but the good news is, your body is able to cope much better this time.

Now this is indeed because of one thing. Mentally preparing myself. Because I had been through the process of having a newborn before I knew what to expect. I expected to have much less sleep than I was used to, I expected that the breastfeeding would be hard, I expected that my body would not be as it used to be. Knowing these things, the change was not such a huge shock to the system and differed so much from the first time around.

For any other mothers that have had one child and felt anxious about having more because the experience may not have been as straight forward as you would've thought, even after reading book after book and getting as much advice as possible and realising the lived experience is still something else - I hope this gives some confidence to any women wanting to have more kids.

I still crave a good 10 hour sleep however the world isn't ending and I keep going and so will you.

Nā Keriata

NEW HORIZON

The start of a new year - it always prompts people to think about changes that need to occur in their lives and (hopefully) will give them guidance to help them move forward as a person.

This blog is the start of something new, however I refuse to call it a New Year's resolution. Partly because I feel like, labelling it as such already connects it to an already preconceived agenda. The agenda being something that is like a flash in a pan, something that is bright and bold, but is sudden and gone in an instant. I thrive for something more consistent and longstanding. 

The reason for starting this blog is because 2015 (as the blog title suggests) is a new horizon for me. I don't know what to expect of it. I have had plans and things in place pretty much the majority of my life. Being a student, you can understand why, as there are always classes to attend, essays to write, drinking to be done and exams to endure. Alongside studying, myself and my partner were both working and most importantly we were raising our young son. It seemed that the both of us never learned how to accept no for an answer and chose to continue our course strongly and directly. The point of difference for 2014, was that alongside these many commitments, I was pregnant with our second child. It's safe to say that we tend to try and live our lives to the full.

I finished 2014 in good stead with my employers in October, and left it knowing that I had tried my best not only with the project I was employed to do, but also with the relationships I had formed there. I finished my most interesting and enjoyable year at university and completed my Bachelor of Music with Honours. We then welcomed a new baby girl on November the 27th and are thoroughly enjoying having a second baby around and nurturing our growing family.

My partner finished his first year as a teacher, and I don't think either of us could have predicted how challenging, but also how successful it has been. My partner also became my fiancee just before christmas and so from this angle, I say that life is pretty good and we have achieved so much in 2014. 

This year, I am becoming a stay at home mum for the first time and it is difficult to not compare what this year has in store for me to what I achieved last year. The feeling can be somewhat unnerving. This blog is a way for me to supplement these new experiences for me and at the same time create conversation about certain topics that I find intriguing, outraging, honest, false, anything that in some way brings more meaning to my life. These could be anything from politics to culture to fashion to music to sport. Anything is up for discussion. I tend to be a person that isn't associated with just one thing and leap from interest to interest and that is ok with me.

I am nervous, and apprehensive, but ultimately, looking forward to what this year has in store. I hope this can give some insight to anyone else who also may feel the same (or not the same) way as me in terms of the issues and topics I talk about, and perhaps give them courage to talk, debate, learn more and engage with these things. 

Ngā mihi nui ki a tātou katoa.

Nā Keriata