CONFESSIONS OF A PEOPLE PLEASER

Something that I admit to being - a people pleaser. On the outset, the term itself seems non-threatening and rather uncontroversial. However, those who know this feeling of being a full on people pleaser, know the issues that we face. Don't get me wrong there are real benefits to being a people pleaser - we do not fight for no reason, positivity is our best friend, and making others feel good about themselves is a trait that should never be overlooked, and we people pleasers know how to do this in spades. The issues we face are often within ourselves, and the conflict we choose to avoid in public with other people, we deal with inside ourselves instead. It is often the case that I can mope around and feel sorry for myself. Upon reflection of the reason why, it is often the case that I do not know why I am mopeing around feeling sorry for myself. It is something I battle with a lot because I think there is nothing more unattractive then someone feeling sorry for themselves, and hence, wanting others around them to feel sorry for them also. A state they had put themselves in, in the first place. 

The need to please others who may be in a position in your mind that you must please them, is an unhealthy need. I think I often get mixed up with pleasing others and having manners. The line gets blurred between the two where you use your manners so much to the point, where you are sacrificing your own dignity just to please people. I wish I knew how to fix this part of me. The other reason why it is unhealthy is because the feelings of sacrifice get the better of you and then it gets taken out on the people closest to you. If there were any things that I could take back in my life it would be hurtful words that may have come out of mouth at my most weakest moments. The lack of confidence to address conflict in life is also something that holds us people pleasers back from resolution. From personal experience, I get so terrified of resolving conflict that I would rather sweep it under the rug. I even find it difficult to write this without getting teary. It seems stupid to think this. A people pleaser and emotional. This combination is a killer and it can rip us up inside. 

I for one, want to find hope. Hope that there is a silver lining. I think my hope takes form in the fact that there are much worse ways to be. Perhaps the challenge is to harness that trait and utilise it to further ourselves. People pleasing can take shape in something much larger and greater and has the ability to do real good. We just need to step out of the rut and work hard to not let those feelings get the best of us.

Nā Keriata

MUSIC AT ODDS

I feel at odds when it comes to music. One of my largest achievements so far in my life is gaining a Bachelor of Music (and soon with Honours) and yet I still feel like there is so much more for me to learn. I constantly get questioned as to what I would do with a music degree and what kind of career path that would lead me too. When I meet someone for the first time and they ask me what I studied, I tell them music, which often then leads to a somewhat confused glance and then the question, "what instrument do you play?" follows. I play a little bit of piano, guitar and I sing, but I don't actually play any of those things particularly well. So I then have to explain that my major was in instrumental/vocal composition (the writing of the music), but then I tend to confuse others even more by saying that my major changed in my honours year to music studies. Whatever that is. 

I have a deep love for music. I love the way it makes me feel. Finding meaning to that has been difficult. I knew from school that it was what I wanted to study, however I didn't know how that would look 5 years later. Prior to going to university I was so naive to think that I had my life sorted for the following years it would take me to do my degree. Never had I thought that at 24 I would have two children, be engaged and have an honours degree in music. Throughout my degree I must say I learned a lot. I was challenged, intrigued, entertained, nervous, worried, excited and overall educated in the space of instrumental/vocal composition. However, I couldn't help but feel once I got to the  end of the degree that I hadn't learned about the music that I was interested in or would give more meaning for me. That may seem a little selfish, but it didn't give me much direction in where I would want to go next in the space of music. I felt a natural connection when I realised that the music I should be studying and researching is Māori music. This thought may seem obvious, but I had a preconceived notion in my mind prior to starting university that I had to learn and hence, write and create music and content that we were taught in class. Never did I think that Māori music could exist in the realms of a serious musical institute. However, this also showed my naivety and real lack of knowledge earlier on, because once I changed my major to music studies in my honours year, I realised that this was where I could engage in music that I love and is significant to me.

Music in my personal life has always been a relationship where I listen to music I enjoy. It seems that the two spaces between music for study and music for pleasure don't necessarily seem to intersect in my world, which is surprising for an overall music lover like me. I'm not sure if this post is significant or makes sense to anyone else but myself, however at the end of the day, I have learned (and perhaps the idea has been reinstated in me) that we must do what we love in order to be fulfilled. At times it can be shaky and you may even get to the point where you want to give up, but it does seem to work out in the end. Career wise, music has lead me to interesting places (like working for the only Māori arts organisation in NZ at this point) and as I get older I wish to continue to have meaningful encounters and experiences.

Nā Keriata

SLEEP DEPRIVATION

Something that all mothers can attest to - lack of sleep. I figured I'd start off by saying that I am deep in the throws of being deprived of sleep since we have an almost 6 week old. This being said, sleep deprivation is not effecting me as it did the first time around and I wonder if this is the case for other second time mums. Yes it can still be difficult to get up in the wee hours of the morning for that early morning feed, I am still human, but the good news is, your body is able to cope much better this time.

Now this is indeed because of one thing. Mentally preparing myself. Because I had been through the process of having a newborn before I knew what to expect. I expected to have much less sleep than I was used to, I expected that the breastfeeding would be hard, I expected that my body would not be as it used to be. Knowing these things, the change was not such a huge shock to the system and differed so much from the first time around.

For any other mothers that have had one child and felt anxious about having more because the experience may not have been as straight forward as you would've thought, even after reading book after book and getting as much advice as possible and realising the lived experience is still something else - I hope this gives some confidence to any women wanting to have more kids.

I still crave a good 10 hour sleep however the world isn't ending and I keep going and so will you.

Nā Keriata

NEW HORIZON

The start of a new year - it always prompts people to think about changes that need to occur in their lives and (hopefully) will give them guidance to help them move forward as a person.

This blog is the start of something new, however I refuse to call it a New Year's resolution. Partly because I feel like, labelling it as such already connects it to an already preconceived agenda. The agenda being something that is like a flash in a pan, something that is bright and bold, but is sudden and gone in an instant. I thrive for something more consistent and longstanding. 

The reason for starting this blog is because 2015 (as the blog title suggests) is a new horizon for me. I don't know what to expect of it. I have had plans and things in place pretty much the majority of my life. Being a student, you can understand why, as there are always classes to attend, essays to write, drinking to be done and exams to endure. Alongside studying, myself and my partner were both working and most importantly we were raising our young son. It seemed that the both of us never learned how to accept no for an answer and chose to continue our course strongly and directly. The point of difference for 2014, was that alongside these many commitments, I was pregnant with our second child. It's safe to say that we tend to try and live our lives to the full.

I finished 2014 in good stead with my employers in October, and left it knowing that I had tried my best not only with the project I was employed to do, but also with the relationships I had formed there. I finished my most interesting and enjoyable year at university and completed my Bachelor of Music with Honours. We then welcomed a new baby girl on November the 27th and are thoroughly enjoying having a second baby around and nurturing our growing family.

My partner finished his first year as a teacher, and I don't think either of us could have predicted how challenging, but also how successful it has been. My partner also became my fiancee just before christmas and so from this angle, I say that life is pretty good and we have achieved so much in 2014. 

This year, I am becoming a stay at home mum for the first time and it is difficult to not compare what this year has in store for me to what I achieved last year. The feeling can be somewhat unnerving. This blog is a way for me to supplement these new experiences for me and at the same time create conversation about certain topics that I find intriguing, outraging, honest, false, anything that in some way brings more meaning to my life. These could be anything from politics to culture to fashion to music to sport. Anything is up for discussion. I tend to be a person that isn't associated with just one thing and leap from interest to interest and that is ok with me.

I am nervous, and apprehensive, but ultimately, looking forward to what this year has in store. I hope this can give some insight to anyone else who also may feel the same (or not the same) way as me in terms of the issues and topics I talk about, and perhaps give them courage to talk, debate, learn more and engage with these things. 

Ngā mihi nui ki a tātou katoa.

Nā Keriata